I am at this moment wallowing in self-pity and self-revulsion. Might as well throw in horror into the mix too as I've come to realise today that even dancing my favourite style has caused distress and no joy. Absolutely no joy. Just deep disappointment with myself and embarrassment.
It wasn't anything special. Merely started going to class again after a long hiatus. My last lesson was Taly's workshop, yes that long ago. Perhaps I was rusty. Perhaps my heart just simply wasn't in it. I think pride and ego had something to do with it too. There were all these great dancers in the class and I was simply not doing too well. I kept missing steps, not feeling the music and worst of all, I looked like shit.
I couldn't smile without looking like a loon. I couldn't free-style without feeling self-conscious. I just felt awkward and so out of place.
I wish it weren't like this honestly. It started out well. I had a chat with my dear teacher, Shiblie, before class officially began. I told her I missed it all and had to come back. But maybe I left for far too long and just fell off the wayside.
Just great. I'm in a rut when it comes to life, I'm in a rut when it comes to dance. Only problem is there's no pill to take for that is there?
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